This past week, I have been living life with tears just behind the layer of daily functioning, joys and busyness. The troubles of this world, the craziness of our humanity and the suffering we inflict and experience have felt so close, also the contortions, confusion and tangled webs we weave… It has felt as if my soul were getting cracked open a bit more.

Such times — when my skin feels thinner, and the darkness beckons more intensely — happen every once in a while. It is tempting to turn away. To distract myself. To give up and get cynical. Or angry, even allow a moment of “f*** it all.” Despair calling from just behind my ear, reaching with deliberate grasp, pulling on my coat sleeve, and yanking down.

What to do? As we grow up (as in “waking up”), our awareness increases. We become more and more conscious. We see more, and we feel more. Not just the good, beautiful and true, but also the deepest grief, suffering and ugliness. The illusions are stripped down. What’s on the other side is not always pretty.

Ken Wilber aptly points out that awakening does not mean reaching a state of constant bliss (as is often put forward as a “promise” of enlightenment). Waking up means feeling more of… everything.

However — and this is a key distinction Wilber makes — waking up also means that our capacity to bear the content of our increased awareness, to hold space for It all, also grows. As I become aware of more, as I see and feel more, the container that I am also grows, and I can be present to “It All” with courage, clarity and compassion. That’s fair. A saving grace, really.

The first time I heard that and put it together with my own experience, it made so much sense. And then I started noticing that the two — the “feeling/seeing more” and the “bearing more” — didn’t always show up at exactly the same time.

In fact, I noticed a distinct pattern: The awareness would first grow, my circle of care and seeing would widen and deepen and my capacity to steadily hold space for this increased awareness would take a while to follow, sometimes limping behind by a few months.

That “gap” time was and is uncomfortable every time it shows up. I’m feeling more, yet I’m not quite ready to handle it. I can easily get thrown off and despair at the state of self, other and the world.

Do you ever feel like that? Plunged into a heightened vulnerability and sensitivity, and tempted to cover it up or push it away quickly?

But what if you don’t? What if you stay present with the “gap” until, over time, the capacity to solidly bear catches up, and with it, you grow — you, the container for “all that is,” expanded. What if you stay present during this “gap,” this “interim time,” until you become a strong and healthy container for the increased awareness?

I have come to greatly appreciate the gesture and work of presence in the face of this uncomfortable interim time. It’s not a fancy thing. By no means glamorous. It is not about simply putting up with something uncomfortable. It has a quietly committed, even fierce energy to it.

Such presence neither indulges not represses. It has attributes of a dear, dignified and patient friend. It enables me to be with, to be in touch, to turn toward and breath, to allow both the light and the dark to nudge and tear at my soul. It brings me to the stillness in the eye of the storm. It points to the possibility of “learning to dance in the rain, rather than waiting for the storm to pass.”

I learn to trust that, much like the growth that takes place beneath the earth before a new shoot appears, movement and evolution may rumble below the surface before making an obvious appearance. Simultaneously, I learn to pay attention for the beckoning of a sudden shift: It doesn’t have to take forever. (“Forever” can easily become a trap into passivity; anything can become the ego’s next identity, even the seemingly virtuous quality of “being present in the interim time.”)

I stay patient with the real time the journey takes, and I welcome the eternal possibility that it could all happen in a second, container vastly expanded, present to witness ever-deeper and wider content in the blink of eye.

Thus, staying present in the interim time also enables and ennobles me to discern when to do something, when to move into action for change from a place of presence and choice, rather than out of resistance or fear.

While we are feeling more, and perhaps not yet equally able to bear it, we can do a number of things to bridge our selves and one another across the chasm. Here some invitations:

• May we remember that we don’t have to journey alone. This passage from Matthew 11:28-29, well-known through Handel’s “Messiah,” speaks beautifully to the possibility of being held as we learn to hold: “Come unto Him, all ye that labour, come unto Him that are heavy laden, and He will give you rest. Take His yoke upon you, and learn of Him, for He is meek and lowly of heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”
• May we gratefully receive and be held in the positive, the laughter, delight and humor showing up in others around us and across the planet. This also helps keep things in perspective.
• May we sleep enough, eat well, exercise and do good unto ourselves and others.
• May we pay attention to when our fellow humans are in a period of growth and stretching, and extend a hand, saying, “I am here to hold space for the validity and meaningfulness of this interim time. I am here with you.”
• May we know that there is a greater purpose to the unease: It is through waking up, feeling more and learning to bear more that we become a living prayer, present to that which is hollow, desperate, fearful, and offering it a breathing body to pass through.

In this way we can keep stretching to become healthy, courageous containers, and a powerful presence for all of life. Allowing it to flow through us like a river, neither damming the “water” nor rushing it forward artificially. Offering a gesture of solidarity by not turning away, neither from the greatest joy, nor the most sorrowful moments life brings. And so we grow up for the sake of the whole.

“What is being transfigured here is your mind,
And it is difficult and slow to become new.
The more faithfully you can endure here,
The more refined your heart will become
For your arrival in the new dawn.”

~ John O. Donohue

Join us in exploring and experiencing what integral community feels like, looks like, and what it takes to evolve the collective, both within ourselves and amongst us all. Most of all, to see what potential next steps emerge from evolving the WE.

August 13 – 19, 2012 at the gorgeous Sunrise Ranch in Colorado!

It was an incredibly rich week. I look back and am so heartened by what happened. To tell you the truth, I was both excited and a bit nervous leading up to the seminar. This seminar was about discovering and exploring a new field together, pushing the edge of what we knew together! Territory that is so much more emergent than established. There was a definite sense of diving into the unknown.

I have never said this of one of our seminars or of other events I have attended, but this time it was such a palpable experience: the presence of the Holy during these days on Whidbey.

So, what happened? Many things. I’ll share some of the highlights from my perspective.

One thing that struck me right away was how ready this group was for depth and authenticity. As soon as a deeper chord was struck in any of the presentations, or experiential offerings – and this was the case right from the very beginning – the group was right there to meet that depth and take it further. And so we very quickly went deeper within ourselves, meeting ourselves more fully… simple honesty held in compassion, with a sincere willingness to grow, to discern, to heal, to shed and to be present. We also went deeper between each other. We listened to each other, not just the words, but below the surface, learning to be present with our whole self to another whole self.  Learning that there is no limit to inquiry and presence.

Moving from our focus and our discernment practices in relation to self and other on to the “We” that resides amongst all of us, we dove into a regular exploration of this “We”. This collective presence or We-being that emerges when we gather together to listen, to be present to and express that which is greater than the sum total of all gathered, was delicate at first, and fleeting. As we kept on practicing, it quickly became more tangible, palpable. We practiced in various group sizes, configurations and with a number of formats… sometimes bumpy, sometimes tender or tentative or awkward, sometimes blown wide open and holy. Practice helped. By the end of the week it often took just a few seconds… gather in a circle, sit up straight, show up fully, listen deeply, give it a voice. Above all, listen to what it offers; it speaks from the Future. Upwellings of gratitude, honoring, blessedness, healing and challenge poured forth. Seemed like we were getting better at it in silence, speaking from that place was still very much a growing edge for the whole group.

I was also very touched and amazed by what an authentic relational container can do for healing, for renewal, replenishment, and hope. What could take years of therapy or inner work as an individual, could be met, felt, and released within moments, hours, a few days. A river running through and on – with no damming or flooding, simply enabled to pierce the self, and flow through and on. Lauren Worsh, one of the seminar participants, expresses this so beautifully:

“As I return from the exquisitely wonderful experience of sharing a week in the embrace of a consciously evolutionary collective (the Integral Community Seminar), I am struck by the recognition that, as a group, we embodied a balance of listening and expressing, and of yin and yang, unlike anything I have ever experienced. And what was possible because we began to enact this balance together was an unfolding of immense depth and dimensionality, held in a healthy, breathing, responsive container capable itself of growing and flexing to meet the needs of the moment. The experience of participating in an aware and consciously emergent collective was nourishing beyond compare. Unimagined dimensions and capacities were awakened and quickened in me, evoked in and through the alchemy of our We. I have begun to glimpse the power of what we can heal and what we can create when we genuinely surrender into our true nature, as Love, as a unique holographic microcosmic Self concurrently arising also as a larger whole-of-humanity Self (which is itself a part of ever larger collectives) — our power as conscious Love as a collective is unimaginably immense. What overwhelms and frightens us from the vantage point of the somewhat aware individual human, can be effortlessly resolved at the levels of consciousness accessible to and enacted by the aware collective.”

I also delighted in the sense of connection with the greater We, spread afar geographically, but more tangible with the help of technology… skyping Thomas Huebl in from Tel Aviv and feeling the immediacy with which he was present with everyone. Having Trevor Malkinson from Beams & Struts blog on a daily basis live from the seminar, and receiving people’s comments and connection in response.  Witnessing the fb threads of conversation and inspiration creating ripples.

Also a highlight, and great help for me as a co-organizer, was the smooth functionality of the outer realities of running such an event – from the newly added kids’ program to the amazing help from volunteers with setting up the spaces, the incredibly nourishing food, and the beautiful natural setting offered by Whidbey Institute. Thank you to all those elements! They make our job so much easier and fun and yummy!

Another insight gained through the experience is how we really need to keep practicing and experimenting this new way of coming together. It’s not just gonna “fall on our heads”. Coming together beyond the Ego takes real-time practice, which includes the individual practice of ever-increasingly dis-identifying from one’s Ego. Evolution of the “We” requires evolution of the “I”, and the evolution of the “I” can be quickened and supported by the evolution of the “We”. Given the current state of the world I can think of nothing more pressing or effective in bringing us closer to sane, healthy, sustainable and ethical choices. I hope we can increase our communication and connection with other initiatives around the globe working at evolving this next stage in consciousness evolution, that of the “We”.

So let’s keep on practicing – preparing the ground within ourselves by working the inner “muscles” of our own discernment between ego and authentic, as well as getting together with others who share an openness and readiness to dive into the exploration of emerging the “WE” in our midst.

At Next Step Integral we are looking forward to taking our next step along these lines… we are presently looking at two possible streams forward:

1)  Another Integral Community seminar in 2012, that offers a deepening of the practice and experience

2)  An “Evolving the We” festival, expanding the size of the event, spreading the experience to many more people

Let us know what you think, where you’d like to see us take this. We are listening. There is always more to learn, ways to improve and evolve our offerings.

And so, over a month after our seminar, I am remain heartened, I feel more hopeful, I truly feel we are evolving. And I thank each of you for You, for the work you do to bring more honesty, more kindness, deeper listening and Big Heart to yourself and all your relations.

To our mutual evolution!

Miriam

“Lying under a starry night last week while camping and looking up for shooting stars with my 8-year old daughter, our conversation turned to gravity, what it is and how it keeps us from spinning off the face of the earth. We both lay there, letting the significance of gravity sink in, noticing our minds grappling with the immensity of it, and then turning our attention back to the Great Dipper and the Milky Way. The next day, as we shared grace before lunch and spontaneously expressed gratitude for a variety of things, my daughter spoke: “And thank you for gravity, even if I don’t understand it.”

I pondered her “thank you” over the next few days, especially noting gratitude’s freedom from cognitive understanding: We don’t have to fully understand something in order to acknowledge and see it as a gift. We don’t have to make sense of it to say “thank you.” Just a glimpse of what it means to us can suffice, and perhaps not even that glimpse is necessary. We do, though, generally use “benefit to self” as a criteria for expressing gratitude. Gravity — yes! Teething, even though it may hurt? Yes, from the parents’ viewpoint. But what about from the perspective of the 6-month-old, who is only aware of an aching gum? And what about us adults, when things happen that, even as they may eventually contribute to our growth, hurt deeply?

What’s your experience? Do you find yourself mainly grateful for what you understand? For what brings you greater joy and ease in your life? Have you ever extended gratitude beyond what makes sense to you or brings you pleasure? Is that even a good idea?

Saying “thank you” is something we are taught early in life, and often it is one of the first things we learn in our journey of becoming socialized. Remember the many occasions you would hear something like: “Don’t forget to send a thank you card to Aunt Mary for the lovely present she sent you!”

And so we learn to say thank you in all kinds of ways — sometimes as a quick social platitude, other times with deep sincerity. Sometimes it spills out of our hearts, and we feel how limited words can be to fully express our gratitude. We expand our thank yous as our awareness and our circle of care and appreciation deepens and widens… to the further reaches of humanity, to plants and animals, the universe, God, to any and all that offer us gifts and blessings. How far could we take our gratitude? And might extending it even beyond what we think is a blessing and a gift open up new worlds of appreciation, presence and possibility?

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.”
–Meister Eckhart

I had no idea how far I could take a gesture of gratitude until a couple of years ago, when I faced one of the greatest spiritual challenges I had ever encountered. A wise friend told me resistance would make the journey harder, that surrendering to what was happening would show me the way through. As I journeyed through this experience, I tried all the tricks and tools I could think of to reach a place of non-resistance while maintaining awareness and discernment in the face of difficult content. I sat up straighter. I focused on being centered. I looked at what was arising and said, “I am stronger than that,” and later on, “Not I.” I prayed. I blessed. I meditated. I breathed.

And then, when nothing else worked, when all my usual ways of “trying,” “controlling” or “being strong” or “spiritual” didn’t work, I finally remembered softness and gratitude. Or, really, they remembered me. Release and a completely different level of surrender opened up through being grateful for everything I was experiencing at the time, and not just for what I perceived and experienced as beautiful, good or true. In so doing, I experienced a wholly new opening into love, light and understanding. The only way out was through.

What I also learned from this experience was that the only way through can feel like hell, can look like everything you would ever want to run from, and that would seem impossible to be grateful for. And yet, by resisting gratitude for all of it, I upheld a stubborn veil of separation between myself and life — and thereby unknowingly, sabotaged and prevented a deeper response to the situation at hand.

Now I will tell you that I did not willingly get to that realization — I was pretty much dragged there on my knees, because nothing else worked. I have also had all kinds of thoughts as to why such a level of gratitude could be dangerous. If you are grateful for the bad things that happen, does that make them right? And might you then become passive and stop working for change, for greater justice, sustainability and health for all? Or might being grateful simply go completely against healthy survival, and in many instances, only come much later, when integration and healing have happened?

Eckhart Tolle shares a helpful reflection on surrender and presence in his teachings on the “Power of Now,” in which he speaks frequently of meeting life’s ups and downs without resistance. Paraphrased he says, “Imagine you are stuck in the mud. If you resist immediately, you will likely panic, try to get out quickly and as a result, probably get more stuck in the mud. If, on the other hand, you take a moment to simply note and face what is going on, to really take it in that you are indeed stuck in the mud, well, then you are also more likely going to figure out how best to get unstuck: ‘Hmm, I’m stuck, wow, really stuck… okay, let’s see, the ground is a bit higher and drier over there. I’ll place my right foot over there. Then my left foot here.’ And gradually you make your way out and on, in huge part because you are not resisting, not panicking, but simply seeing what is, and then choosing on the best course of action from that point forth.”

Understood in this way, non-resistance is not a passive stance. In fact, it becomes a prerequisite for effective action, enabling clearer choices. Without that moment of surrender, we layer a reaction on top of our resistance, muddling our way out or digging ourselves deeper, instead of fine-tuning our next step from a place of honesty and completely facing what is.

In this context, I find it important to make a distinction between surrender and agreement. They are not the same. Surrender involves bringing our full presence to a situation or experience, regardless of whether we agree with or like it. It goes farther than “being OK” with something. Surrendering demands much more intimacy and proximity to it, whatever “it” may be. But it does not mean submission and acquiescence.

And perhaps, in some circumstances (as in the one I briefly describe above), extending gratitude may draw us into an even deeper experience of non-resistance and surrender, taking us well beyond what our small minds can grasp, understand and make sense of. It can be a gesture of “thank you” anyway, a gesture of “yes” to all of life, not necessarily suggesting agreement, but a “yes” for what is arising so that I can be fully present to it, and discover through it what the next step on and upward may be.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on where and how you stretch your gratitude to include more of yourself and life.

Sunday afternoon, with an hour to spare, I wander to the garden to thin some baby carrots – those wee beginnings of carrots, just tufts of green really – so as to create more space for the few I leave to fully grow and flourish. The sun is warm on my back as I get busy with this task that takes focused attention: one pull too many and a whole potential carrot is gone!

As I make my way down the rows slowly and carefully, I notice the challenge I face every time I perform this gardening task: To enable a few to thrive I need to pull out a lot of others and the thicker I originally sowed, the more I have to yank out. I don’t like yanking out baby carrots, even if my logical mind tells me they’re just tiny carrots and my gardening experience knows that if I don’t do this, none of them will do well. As I go about the task, I wish I hadn’t planted quite as thickly to begin with. I also try to figure out which ones look strong and healthy (those ones I leave) and I pay attention to spacing them evenly, so that each one left has enough soil and light to grow in.

During my carrot-thinning hour this Sunday, as I curiously follow my inner resistance to the task at hand, I have to chuckle… what a perfect reflection of my struggle with letting go of any of the “too many projects on the go!” I feel such gratitude for the delicious fullness of life, the many varied and richly textured projects I get to initiate, co-create and be involved in … and sometimes it just feels like “too much”, like I’m juggling ten balls at once and any of them could drop at any moment. Or worse still, I actually forget one of them for a bit and slack on my integrity with others (projects or people). Do you ever feel that way? Excited and engaged in many meaningful, fun and interesting projects that encourage you to grow, stretch, be challenged and offer your gifts, yet with a nagging underlying sense that you may be compromising depth for too much width in your life?

That you might serve more if you focused on less? Overwhelm doesn’t reap the best results.

Back to the garden … the more I sow the more I eventually have to thin. The more I am unsure how many seeds will germinate, the more likely I am to over-sow to make sure that at least some will make it. And the feedback loop is clear: If I don’t thin, I end up with crooked, wonky, small carrots.

So what is your sweet spot, where you seed just the right amount, saying yes to what you can manage well and thrive rather than survive? That place of not too much and not too little? And is there anything in your life you need to thin? Anything that is taking too much time and focus away from what you are really here to do? The more capable and multi-passionate you are, the more urgent this question becomes, for you could do so much. Question is: What truly makes your heart sing? What fills the cells of your being with inspiration? What are you responsible for? When do you feel most alive and in service to life itself?

The answers to these questions may change over time. As you continue to grow and evolve, the ways in which you serve and show up will likely take on different forms. This is an invitation for ongoing discernment, for a daily practice of touching in with what moves you, what you are committed to, clearing the clutter and engaging in a regular practice of spring-cleaning. What perspectives and beliefs are serving you and which ones are holding you back? Are you giving enough time and attention to the things that ultimately matter most to you and those entrusted to you? Are you in touch with your authentic purpose, or do you first need to get rid of some clutter to feel into this question? What motivates you — is it fear, love, shadow, egoic drive or an authentic impulse to serve?

And once we get clear on what to keep and what to let go of, we still don’t need to make it all happen ourselves. Same as the garden requires ample sun, water, minerals and further weeding to grow strong and healthy, we too can complement our initial discernment on how much to sow (what we say “yes” to) and our ongoing discernment on what to thin (what to let go of and what to stick with):

We can ask for support and help.

We can delegate, collaborate and syngerize with others.

We can communicate when we need to make adjustments to what we have committed ourselves to.

We can be attentive to timing — perhaps “not now, but later”, or find a rhythm that allows for more balance, extending the time frames in which projects get completed.

And in all these and other ways of dealing with the thinning, lies the core spiritual practice of discernment: To grow in awareness of who we truly are and to make choices that align us with our essential authentic self. In this way, we can grow our true gifts and offerings like strong healthy carrots. We can make good use of this precious life we are given, contributing with depth and sincerity to the great unfolding Whole, without burning out, being overwhelmed and compromising integrity.

Blessings to you as you clear the clutter, follow your true joy and come together with others to bring all of you into ever-greater alignment with your authentic nature and service – with enough space, time and energy to breath deeply and live healthily!

I invite and welcome your thoughts and comments and am interested in hearing your experiences of engaging in this and other practices of discernment. Thanks for reading!

So when we speak of Integral Parenting we are talking about the parent being, thinking, feeling, and acting integrally.

“The secret of parenting is not in what a parent does, but rather who the parent is to the child.” - Gordon Neufeld

What might this look like in practice? Here some general reflections, followed by some practical suggestions (derived from adapted excerpts of a publication titled “Introduction to Integral Parenting”).

Given that our doing flows from our being, any steps we as parents take toward becoming more mature, present, and able to inhabit and respond to multiple perspectives will benefit our child and our parenting efforts. In addition, it would be hard to find another endeavor that asks someone to grow up as much, as persistently, as convincingly as being a parent. So, putting the two together—the far-reaching benefits of self-development (not just for oneself but also for one’s child) andthe challenge and opportunity provided by the very act of parenting to grow and stretch—make parenting an ideal spiritual practice. When we consciously take on the task of parenting as our spiritual practice, we open ourselves up to one of the most meaningful and radically transformative experiences available to a human being.  How so?

• As a parent we are faced with the great responsibility for a vulnerable, dependent other, which calls for utmost integrity in our intentions, communications, and actions.

• Responding to the pretty much full-time demands and needs that infants and young children bring with them requires that we stretch and tap into resources we did not know we had, such as extreme patience, flexibility, physical resilience, and discriminating wisdom.

• Given the absorbent nature of a young child’s mind and the deep emotional imprinting that happens at this early age, we are called to face ourselves and to become more conscious of our shadow for the sake of the child.

• Young children are developmentally still very self-centered. We can easilyget triggered by this in ways we may have thought we were immune to—thereby discovering our own shadow, as well as having to take on the challenging task of discerning how best to respond in any given moment so that they can gradually grow beyond this stage of development.

• By paying close attention and witnessing the miraculous growth of a young human being, we begin to understand that perfection is not a state to achieve, rather, life is a dynamic unfolding to ever higher, wider, and deeper realms of existence.

• We are humbled many times over—making many mistakes, having no choice but to carry on and do better, and being engaged in an endeavor that is generally neither egoically gratifying nor professionally enhancing.

• To facilitate and encourage our child’s well-being and integral development, we are asked to bring love, presence, and discernment to all situations.

• The incredible delight in witnessing a young child be and grow provides access to higher levels of commitment, stamina, and motivation than we usually think are possible.

• The central role that the parent plays means that we as parents need to go beyond technique, method, or belief, and become that which we wish to see our children model and be exposed to: an integral person and perspective.

• In caring so deeply for another, we discover a motivation beyond our self-centered relationship to life. Especially with infants and very young children, we are challenged to place our own personal desires and agendas aside in order to be present to what is beneficial to the child and the whole.

What might this mean in the very real and day-to-day experience of being a parent and relating to and caring for our child? Basically it means bringing increasing conciousness and awareness to ourselves as parents and all our interactions with our children. Here some practical suggestions and questions to reflect on, that stem from the understanding that we parent who we are. Bringing greater consciousness to ourselves as parents and to all our interactions with children:

• How do we speak to our child, also in challenging, charged moments? Do we address a newborn and let her know what is happening even if her cognitive understanding is still limited? What are we communicating beyond and underneath the words—what are the energetic qualities of our communications? Exasperation, impatience, blame? Or encouragement, care, understanding? Can we bring both love and firmness to bear in moments when our child needs clear direction, perhaps correction?

• How do we handle a newborn and young child’s body? By communicating and checking in with a child before we handle him in any way, allows him to feel considered, to feel like he has a say in the matter. Especially in the first year a lot of a young child’s orientation about who he is comes through the physical realm of touch, and all his other senses. What do we convey to a child about who he is when we scoop him up from behind as if he were an object, or pull a sweater over his head without communicating our intention beforehand? If we hope that our children will respect their own body and being, the first step is for us to respect our children’s bodies, and this also with with expressions of affection, such as hugs and kisses, or fun such, as tickling and throwing them up in the air.

• Do we listen? When a child feels heard and senses that the parent/teacher wants to understand, the energy often already shifts greatly and becomes much more conducive to mutual understanding. This means that we give our child a chance to express herself before jumping to any conclusions; we take the time to listen deeply. This does not mean we end up doing whatever our child may be insisting upon, rather than we hear as deeply as we possibly can, and then seek to find a solution that takes her viewpoint and needs into consideration as fully as possible. In one instance it mights simply mean taking five more minutes in a store until she is ready to go; in another it might mean holding a firm boundary and helping one’s child accept the given situation while also helping her find creative ways to integrate and work with such a boundary.

• Bringing greater consciousness to our communication with children (both when we speak and when we listen) challenges us to develop discernment capacities of the more subtle areas of communication that are present in the parent-child relationship (e.g. moods, emotional qualities, energetic variations, body language, and any other forms of communication that are not explicitly verbal or passed on through clear gestures).

• How do we speak about our child to others, especially when we do this in front of the child? Do we put him down in any way, embarrass him, expose him, or chide him indirectly? Can we hold awareness for the fact that everything he hears informs him about who he is, or at least influences him? Remembering that children hear and pick up way more than we usually think can help us bring care and attention to what messages we may be conveying to our child about who he is as we speak to others. This does not mean to be unrealistically positive, but simply to be aware and responsible in how we communicate with others about our child and ensure that it contributes to our child’s healthy development.

• Engaging in awareness-raising activities and exercises with our child is a fun and stimulating way of bringing more consciousness to the parent-child relationship and can also help one’s child become more alert to herself and reality as she is developmentally able to. This can happen at a physical level, commenting on how she is moving through space, helping her kinesthetic awareness come alive,and making use of all the senses and reflections and activities that bring these into use. Or at an emotional level, for example, by giving words to emotions that arise for a child and helping her move through these constructively. Or cognitively, making use of imagination, creativity, observation, and interpretation. And for a child’s spiritual development it can be very helpful to encourage self-awareness in an age-appropriate manner, for example, by working with her on the discernment of where she is coming from in all her actions–is she, for example, grounded or spinning away from her center?

• Consistently taking the time to truly respond to questions that are asked by children encourages their inquisitiveness and nurtures their curiosity, one of the basic tools for growth and evolution. It is also a simple way to get to know them better (what are they interested in knowing about?), and to support their journey as life-long learners.

• Discipline must be delivered in a way that is aligned with a child’s cognitive and emotional capacities, and that comes from a grounded, non-reactive stance in the parent, otherwise it can do more harm than good. Reasoning, for example, does not work with a one-year old, and can lead to frustration on the parent’s side and confusion on the child’s. Once a young child can comprehend cause and effect (natural and logical consequences), then reasoning can be used factually, clearly and consistently. When we are emotionally charged our discernment capacities generally decrease, we are more likely to project something extra onto the situation rather than simply deal in a loving and firm manner with what is actually going on.

• Interacting with a child requires self-control on behalf of the adult, or in other words utmost integrity, and this not just at the gross levels of existence, but also at the more subtle levels. How often do we play tricks on a child’s mind? When do we let ourselves go in ways we never would with another adult? There are boundaries to be respected and aware of. The child is not an outlet for any kind of therapy; entertaining a child is not an activity to gratify a parent’s own ego.

• Being factual rather than reactive or emotionally dramatic serves a child’s learning and growth more fully than blame or exhuberant praise. Children want to know about the world and how it works. They want to understand.  Thus, children need accurate information, feedback, and encouragement that is age-appropriately delivered. A child cannot learn and defend himself at the same time*, and too much praise can stifle a child’s inner motivation and drive. We can point out why things went wrong, got spilled or broken without making children feel like they get disconnected from their caregivers when they make a mistake or misunderstand a direction. We can acknowledge and celebrate a child’s effort without making them dependent on our effusive exclamations of  praise, which can, as Dr. Carol Dweck of Stanford University uncovered (Lillard, 2005; Wheal, Frederick’s Child Magazine Dec. ’06), lead them to inaccurately believe practice may be uneccessary in order to achieve excellence.

*According to Mendizza (2003) and evidenced by the research of the Institute of HeartMath, defending one’s self splits attention and energy. In order to explore and learn about the living world, a child must feel secure, safe, accepted, and loved by that world. As the parent is the child’s first environment, or world, the acceptance and love provided by the parents encourages the child’s learning and development.

• What does it mean to fully respect a child’s mind? Children seek to orient themselves in this world. What are we feeding into their brains and hearts?  Understanding a child’s developmental stages and their personality types helps us know when and how to explain things. What kind of worldviews and understandings are we introducing them to? By bringing more consciousness to the words and concepts we use in their presence, by acting as the gatekeeper in relation to what they are exposed to during their formative early years (before they themselves can discern much yet are extremely absorbent), we can help them orient themselves at a pace and in a manner that they can assimilate and that encourages their healthy development. We live in an age of information and stimulation overload. It is our job as parents to decide and discern wisely what our children need to be introduced to and when and how.

• We need to give very careful consideration to our use of physical strength over a child: When is it truly necessary? When could other means of persuasion be used? When should the parent/teacher let go?  By distinguishing between punitive force and protective force, we can ensure that in the rare occasions when we do engage physical strength over a child it is used for the protection and health of the child and others, and never as a method of punishment.

• Shadow work by parents: In order to be present to ourselves, to pay attention to any knee-jerk reactions arising within ourselves that may not support the well-being of the child, as well as tending to an integral care for our own person so that we are able to nourish and accompany another one requires that we commit to the ongoing task of getting to know ourselves better, perceiving which aspects of ourselves are not yet integrated, and then working toward ever-greater integration.

• By welcoming and engaging parenting as part of our practice, we can bring creative thought to questions such as: How can I bring meditation and prayer right into the space between and amongst my child and myself? How can I be receptive to the sacred in the midst of daily life, and like an alchemist, with utmost attention and care, become a part of the transformative possibilities inherent in any life situation?Meditation and relationship. . . changing diapers and prayer. . . respect and cheerfulness amidst chaos and lack of sleep… compassionate, calm firmness in the face of our child needing guidance, direction, or reassurance.

• Modeling the qualities we wish to see develop in our child (eg. considering others, being empathetic, generous, confident, empowered, kind etc.) is one of the most effective ways of teaching. Young children absorb information like a sponge and imitate; this is how they learn. By treating our child the way we would like him to treat us and others, we are providing guidance in the most direct and immediate manner of all. This requires heightened self-awareness and a deep commitment to growing ourselves. In addition, we can consider all other forms of modeling that may imprint negatively or positively on our child’s behavior, on his being and becoming—for example, the behavior of peers (and adults), or stories provided in books—and make conscious choices as to what we expose our children to.

• What kind of relationship is going on between the parents or primary caregivers? What energetic field is an infant and young child immersed in? Is it a relaxed, loving one, or are there tensions present between the caregivers, perhaps even harsh words or gestures? By working through conflicts that may arise between parents and caregivers when the child is not present, we can minimize their exposure to energy and modeling that is not conducive to their well being and growth. If parents can work through conflict in a grounded, constructive way, however, a child could learn from being exposed to the process. Discernment is required, also as to the age and developmental stage of the child and what is appropriate.
• Creating and facilitating learning experiences where the center of growth and motive lies within the child. One natural form of self-directed learning in a young child is creative play.

• When a child is absorbed in creative activity, we sit back and do not disturb or interrupt her. Times when a child is self-regulated and self-directed are precious and important for her development! According to Neufeld (2004) the play that children need for healthy development is what he calls emergent play (rather than social play). Emergent play (or creative solitude), combined with a sense of security, allows the child to venture forth into a world of imagination or creativity.  Montessori emphasizes the importance of not interrupting a concentrated child. She saw such moments as “the moment of self-development.” (Lillard, 2005, p.265)

• Being attentive to which boundaries/limits are necessary for the physical safety and healthy psychological orientation of the child; and allowing ample space for children to explore and discover freely. This involves providing a balance between support and challenge to our children.

• As we accompany our child with the question: “Who are you and how can I help you to become that?” we support the unfolding of the child’s inherent potential, whatever that may be, rather than a specific projected or desired-for outcome by us as parents.

• While parenting within certain levels of development could indeed be a  form of narcissism (as many in the psychodynamic tradition would hold true), integral parenting lifts the context within which raising a child takes place to include the Inward Arc of the human journey. This means that an integral parent will pursue his or her own journey toward disidentifying with the ego, and seek to be present to, to guide and accompany a child toward becoming a person in his or her own right, not as an extension of the parent’s ego or to fulfill a parents unfulfilled dreams or as a place for the parent to act out their unintegrated aspects.  The psychodynamic tradition generally goes as far as the Outward Arc (Wilber, Atman Project, pp 3-6) and is still largely focusing on all that arises and needs to be dealt with during those stages of life.

• Regardless of whether we as parents decide to introduce our children to a particular religion or not, we can find ways in which a young child can engage in activities and express feelings that have a spiritual quality to them, e.g. gratitude or care, thereby nurturing their spiritual development, and this in ways that are meaningful and fun for the child. A 2-year old, for example, may enjoy holding hands before every meal and simply saying “thank you” for the many things that had brought joy and goodness throughout the day. Another example is the simple gesture of lighting a candle for someone in need of blessings or as a gesture of thanks. Parent and child can name who each candle is for or what each candle is expressing thanks for. Simple rituals and symbolism work well for young children whose consciousness resides in the magical realm.

• As the child begins to take an increasing interest in listening to stories, one can tell stories of inspiring figures that embody qualities of the soul and the spirit.

• We can bring awareness to how each aspect of the physical space a child is surrounded by may effect him. For example, what is the quality of the natural light and of the designed light? What are the views to and from the outside world? What are the materials that compose the furniture and other tools, toys, instruments or devices? What is the arrangement of objects in the room, including the seating and work surfaces? What is on the walls? Is student work visible or displayed? Is there art? Are there thoughts or messages being communicated by displayed materials? How can one move through the space? How is time being measured in the room (what do the clocks look like ? are there “bells?”). What is time’s relationship to how the community gathers and departs? Is the space warm? Is it beautiful? (Thanks to educator John Gruber for articulating these questions relating to phyiscal space!)

These are just some of the many ways in which we can bring more consciousness to our work and play as parents. As mentioned elsewhere on this site, it is so important to balance our aspirations to become the best parents we can be, with kindness toward who we are at present. It is a matter of both/and rather than one or the other approach. Each step forward we take is just that, a step forward, however small or inconspicuous it might seem. So in view of the list above, each time we manage to bring more consciousness to what we do and who we are to our children, we are benefiting them and ourselves, and in fact the entire universe. And any time we fail, the best we can do is learn from our mistakes, “get up,” and keep going with renewed commitment to grow.

References

Neufeld, Gordon & Mate, Gabor (2004). Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Matter. Toronto: Random House.

Lillard, Angeline Stoll (2005). Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius. New York: Oxford University Press, Inc.

Mendizza, Michael (2003). Magical Parent Magical Child: The Art of Joyful Parenting. Berkeley, California: North Atlantic Books.

Wilber, Ken (1980). The Atman Project. Wheaton, Illinois: The Theosophical Publishing House.

All our research on this topic, both in application and in theory, lead us at Next Step Integral to believe that an integral approach to parenting holds essential keys to answering these questions.